YOUNGSVILLE, LA – Oral hygiene manufacturers Warner-Lambert Pfizer are rushing to quell concerns amongst Louisiana conspiracy theorists and general knuckleheads that mouthwash brand Listerine is totally not associated with listeria, amidst the recent Blue Bell scandal. We reported earlier in the week how Blue Bell’s latest flavor, ‘Nothin’ but Listeria’ has hit grocery store shelves across the state in order to avoid further lawsuits.
However outrage was sparked yesterday when one man by the name of Pat Yoleaux noticed the clear bottle with blue liquid next to his toothpastes. Patrick immediately took a picture and contacted the media to express his disgust.
“Is every single item out there trying to make this deadly bacterial disease ‘cool’ now, or something? How dare they try to push this onto us?! it’s hateful and just downright disrespectful!” said Yoleaux, “As if having to worry about the fluoride that the government is trying to make us drink isn’t bad enough – and now we have to be on the lookout for listeria rebranded as some fancy-ass name? No thank you sir!”
Warner-Lambert Pfizer spokesman Barry Williams was quick to reach out in an effort to help their customers understand the difference between Listerine, a mouthwash antiseptic, and listeria, government created death bugs.
“We understand the idiocy of Mr. Yoleaux and other Louisiana residents who are jumping the gun as usual, but we would like to reassure our valued consumers that these are two completely different things.” Mr. Williams said. “We have no intentions on supplying things that may cause an illness, and if we did then, just like Blue Bell, we certainly have no intentions of publicly talking about it until we’ve been caught.”
Mr. Yoleaux, however, doesn’t buy into it.
“That’s just them trying to whitewash it. We all know what they and our government are trying to do! Chemtrails! Fluoride! Listerine! It’s all there in the open!” he explained.
Mr Yoleaux was last seen attempting to calm down with a gallon tub of Blue Bell.
