WASHINGTON, D.C. – With Tropical Storm (presumably soon to be Hurricane) Ida stomping its way over the Gulf of Mexico and seemingly on track for Louisiana, a newly-released study has shown that storms lessen in strength with the more alcohol you intake.
The study was conducted over a period of around five years using test subjects and samples from Louisiana. A clear correlation was shown in that storms tended to be Category 4 and 5 when less than 5 beers had been sunk. People who had consumed a 24-pack of beer, however, weren’t even aware that there was any weather outside.
The research was conducted by the University of New Orleans in conjunction with the NOAA. Both entities are now encouraging as many people to get blasted this weekend as possible in an effort to reduce Ida from potentially being a Category 4, to nothing more than a mild breeze.
“The evidence is clear”, said researcher Kimberly Barber, “The more people get wasted the less chance for weather system destruction. We need everyone in the cone of uncertainty for Ida to go out, stock up on your preferred alcoholic beverage, and start to drink. Just chug it, get absolutely mashed.
Ida has the potential to cause major damage to coastal Louisiana and nearby towns and cities. If everyone in that area can drink like everyone knows that they can, then we can get this system down from a potential Cat 4 storm to something akin to having your fan on.
We urge everyone to start making plans on getting ruined now. And don’t forget to drink plenty of water afterwards.”
