RIVER RANCH, LA – After decades of heavy reliance upon oil, the state of Louisiana finally took its first step into a diverse economy today as fracking was given the green light in River Ranch.
The discovery of a large underground deposit of White Claw was found underneath the neighborhood last week, and crews moved in this morning with equipment to begin the process of mining the newly-popular liquid.
The deposit itself is believed to be worth upwards of $6.5billion dollars – a drop in the ocean for residents of River Ranch, roughly about how much a family spends on groceries in a month – but big money on a statewide and national scale.
Project engineer Tim Berkhold talked about what this means for the area.
“First and foremost, this discovery means big money”, he said, “With this discovery we’re expected to generate enough money statewide to put us back in the black, and enough money within River Ranch to purchase two new golf carts. We’re talking major profits here.
Secondly this is going to drastically reduce the cost of White Claw for everyone in the are that drinks it, and that’s pretty much everyone. Not only that, but availability will increase.
And thirdly this is going to make Louisiana a major player in the White Claw business. It’ll create jobs and ensure that once the oil runs out we’ll still have this to fall back on. All we need now is to find a deposit of Monster Energy and we’ll be set for life.”
Equipment was moved into place this morning and fracking is expected to begin within the next two weeks. Officials have encouraged the public to just ignore any localized earthquakes.
