CLAY HIGGINS’ INTENRAL SYSTEM – In an interview filled with remorse and regret, COVID-19 this evening confirmed that it had accidentally entered Congressman Clay Higgins’ internal system for a second time.
It confirmed that it had infected Higgins in January 2020 before it became famous, mainly because he was an easy target. But COVID-19 admitted that it was a huge mistake and shouldn’t have gone anywhere near him.
“I descended into the belly of the beast in January of last year and that was a huge mistake in itself”, said COVID-19 in an exclusive interview, “I wouldn’t make my worst enemy hang around with that guy for two minutes, let alone two weeks. It was a nightmare.
And now, because I’m an idiot, I’m inside him again. He had his back turned and I didn’t realize that it was him. I thought it was somebody cosplaying Yosemite Sam. He looked like a perfect target, and as soon as I got into his system I knew who it was. I recognized that alcohol level straight away.
So yeah, now I’m in here again. It’s the worst, I have to sit here and listen to him talk about how I’m “a biological weaponized virus from China” and how “he’s very healthy and taking holistic medicine”. Give me a break, you can hardly ride a Harley and bump cocaine to get you through house voting sessions.
I thought I’d try and make use of my time by finding the heart and fucking around with it a bit, but he hasn’t even got one of those.
He violated my HIPAA and he violated my soul. I can’t wait to get out of here and go and infect someone a little more bearable, like Paris Hilton or someone.”
Higgins is expected to make a full recovery. It’s yet to be seen if COVID-19 will do also.
