LAFAYETTE, LA – Following yesterday’s news that President Biden has revoked the presidential permit to finish construction on the Keystone Light pipeline, local drunks are now in full panic mode wondering how they’re going to get drunk on cheap beer.
We reported on the initial construction of the pipeline in 2017, after twice-impeached President Trump had given the all-clear to start construction which would see 830,000 kegs of shitty beer transported directly to bars, frat houses and communal drinking wells in outlying communities.
But with the project cancelled, local drunkards are now facing the prospect of having to purchase beer that costs more than $1 and could possibly fall into the category of ‘craft’. Many are even talking about the prospect of their beer having some semblance of taste and flavor.
“I’m just not sure what I’m going to do”, said Carencro resident Paul Santos, “The communal Keystone Light well has been built and we were just waiting for it to be filled. We needed this pipeline to be able to fill our buckets and bring Keystone Light back to my family to keep them hydrated.
Now it’s gone. I’ll probably have to go and purchase water, but it’s 20¢ more.”
Local bar rat Scott Conner explained that this is going to hurt his pocketbook.
“I’m going to end up paying at least 50¢ more for a beer that makes me screw my face up because it has seasonal branding or some crap on it”, he said, “I don’t want or need flavor in my beer. I need the bare minimum. I want the beer that could kill a plant in 3 seconds flat if you pour some on it.
I want to get somewhat buzzed while mowing my lawn without worrying if my beer is critically acclaimed by half of Portland. The Keystone Light pipeline was going to offer me that, and now it’s gone.”
Local officials have confirmed that they’re looking into the possibility of constructing their own pipeline, with rumors of a Natty Light Pipeline being built across the state floating around.
