EVERYWHERE, LOUISIANA – Armed police moved into position across Louisiana today after North Korea confirmed that it has successfully tested a new long-range cruise missile that has been in development for two years.
The Korean Central News Agency said Monday that the new missiles were capable of causing havoc to podunk town dollar stores across the whole of the United States, potentially causing disruption to retired mawmaw and pawpaw’s looking to kill half a day by perusing the aisles for more tupperware and storage containers.
The North hailed its new weapons as a “strategic weapon of great significance” and “a great tool used to disrupt towns even we’ve never heard of”.
“It is no secret what our targets are”, read an official statement, “Most people think that we would go for the oil refineries, the cities, the infrastructure. But no, our one and only target is to hit the dollar stores in towns with less than 30 people living there.
Rest assured, we will not rest until the retirees and small-town folk of America have no stores to browse at obscure times of the day.”
Dollar stores across the state have promised strong retaliation to North Korea by sending them expired cookies and cheap pool floaties.
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