BATON ROUGE, LA – With the ongoing conflict in Ukraine continuing to ramp up in severity, Governor Jon Bel Edwards announced this afternoon that he is hitting Russia with severe sanctions in ensuring that they don’t get to laissez les bons temps rouler this Mardi Gras week.
Russia has been hit with global sanctions in areas such as import, export, finance and aviation. However with Louisiana’s Margi Gras celebrations hitting the crescendo over the next 48 hours, this one is expected to hurt them the most.
“I am placing severe sanctions on Russia effective immediately”, said Governor Edwards at a 4pm press conference. “I am implementing these sanctions to effectively cut-off Russia’s ability to laissez les bons temps rouler. They don’t deserve to, and I won’t allow it.
Doing this will also render them incapable of catching any Mardi Gras beads, foam footballs or lawyer-branded plastic cups. It will also ensure that they don’t get to get sugar high on funnel cakes or drunk on cheap American beer.
And if they even consider doing the Mardi Gras mambo, then we will reconvene and consider imposing further restrictions on them. They won’t like it when we cut off exportation of truck nuts.
We hope this hits them hard, and we hope this will make them consider stepping down from conflict.”
The Louisiana state government is apparently in full support of the sanctions. However Congressman Clay Higgins (drunk at the time of interviewing) is said to be upset, calling them an “intercontinental ballistic move against my friends that requires reflection upon a non-binary woke sky”.
