ST. LANDRY PARISH, LA – All dressed up in his Christmas jimmy-jammies and ready to hit the sack in anticipation of the big day, Congressman Clay Higgins ensured that he left his annual milk, cookies, bible, handgun and threatening letter out for Santa Claus before bed this evening.
He ensured that the milk was ice cold, the cookies were freshly baked, and the gun and Bible combo were placed in such a way that it would be seen as intimidating, yet just pro-constitution enough where nothing could be done about it.
Higgins also spent most of the night writing a letter to Santa, which read as follows:
Welcome to the greatest country in the world. The land of the free, the patriot, the epitome of all that is holy in the world. Where we would put our body and spirit on the line to protect every single syllable of our constitutional rights.
I’ll be blunt – we don’t take kindly to your demonic, socialist ways. We watch with pierced eyes as you give away your gifts for free, to those who have anything but earned it. We work for what we have here, Mr. Claus. To embrace the idea of giving things to those who do not deserve it is akin to dealing with the devil.
My wife had a dream, a premonition, that you would descend down the chimney at the stroke of midnight, delivering “gifts” to this sacred household that were not Made in America. I can’t have that, Mr. Claus. And although I will be asleep, patriots will be watching. We’re always watching.
So do what is right, and if you are to partake in the deliverance of items to this holy homestead, ensure that those gifts are either:
- COPS: The Complete Series DVD
- A new GoPro, so my drunken ramblings can be seen in crisp HD
- A case of vodka
- ‘Trump 2024’ bedsheets
- All of the above
Failure to provide these will result in a most disappointing outcome. Do you love America enough to do what is necessary to keep patriots happy? Time will tell.
God bless you and God bless the United States of America.
It is yet to be seen if Santa Claus will be intimidated enough to give into Higgins’ demands, however reports show Santa ready and willing to compromise with handing over the COPS DVD collection.