FRANKLIN, LA – Uh-oh, this isn’t good. Days after after CERN completed their latest particle experiment, smashing together two particles at 99.9999991% the speed of light, critics’ worst fears were realized after a portal opened up direct to Franklin, Louisiana.
The Large Hadron Collider first started smashing particles together in 2010, creating a wave of panic about scientists accidentally ushering in the apocalypse. Nervous critics said that the experiments these scientists were conducting with the LHC could create a small black hole or some sort of interdimensional portal to Hell.
Evidently, these critics were wrong, as something far worse was created in the generation of a portal that leads directly to the city of Franklin in South Louisiana.
In the past, people have tried to sue CERN for creating a danger to public safety, and now these same people will now genuinely believe that they have a solid case in which to do so.
CERN Lead Engineer Stephanie Schmidt explained the situation.
“This is something we didn’t expect at all”, Schmidt said, “We knew there was a small chance that we’d generate a black hole, or some sort of gateway to the depths of hell – but this is far far worse. We looked through it and saw something far worse than anyone could have imagined.
We regret our decision to perform this experiment and are doing everything we can to figure out how to get rid of this portal. We have already had 3 engineers go through it, who now own single-wide trailers and make a living in distributing low-grade meth. It’s terrible to see. We have been discouraging everyone and anyone from being inquisitive enough to go through it.
We hope to bring a conclusion to this horrific event shortly and will keep everyone updated.”
