NEW IBERIA, LA – A new dawn has risen on New Iberia, as new police chief Todd D’Albor officially started his first day on the job yesterday. And just three hours into the day, he promised residents a fresh start by promising to “build a police force from scratch” using an array of hand puppets.
With crime on the rise in the Iberia Parish city, D’Albor most definitely has a job on his hands. Meth labs outnumber houses and there is an average of 18 hookers on each street corner. It’s a sad state of affairs.
But D’Albor has a plan.
His first order of business was to fire every single member of staff on the police force.
“Something wasn’t working”, he said, “So I let them all go. I’m starting this thing from scratch. Burning it down to the ground and letting the new shoots come up.”
But how do you run a police force when you’re the only one on it? Simple.
“Hand puppets”, he said. “I have like, five hundred of them. All police officers. Male, female, ones with mustaches, ones with tattoo’s, big ones, small ones. I even have K-9 puppets too for the really dangerous stuff. These guys will be more productive and produce more results than the folks I had to let go. I ga-ron-tee it.”
“I have enough hand puppets here so that I can assign five of them to every criminal in this God forsaken town.”
“Look, here’s one now. This is Officer Bertrand [pictured]. He’s got a strong mustache, a fancy looking badge and his police hat game is strong. He has that real New York vibe about him. Everyone’s scared of a New York cop, right?. Officer Bertrand will be on street patrol five days a week and is completely committed to my vision.”
“We’ll have these streets cleaned up in no time.”
D’Albor is confident that a full policing schedule will be in place by the end of the week.
