LAFAYETTE, LA – After hours of negotiations, discussions and laughter, we can confirm that The Daily Crawfish has rejected an offer of a buy-out from tech giant and underground evacuation expert Elon Musk.
Musk approached The Daily Crawfish earlier today to enquire about purchasing the company, due to its reputation for being the most accurate source of news in Louisiana and having the most good-looking staff.
Numbers were thrown back and forth on post-it notes, and the final proposed purchase price was for an eye-watering (within Louisiana) $27,000.00, which to be very honest was hard to refuse. After all, that would buy a lot of Rap Snacks and Four Loko. The bid was made up of a deal which would have seen us take 75% cash, 25% Dick’s Sporting Goods gift cards. He was also willing to throw in a Tesla Model Y at one point until we explained that not even those things would be able to navigate Louisiana potholes.
But ultimately, we said no.
Why you ask? It’s simple. Elon Musk wanted to purchase our news company in order to more effectively portray New Iberia in a positive light. For what reasons? We’re not entirely sure, perhaps city officials had contacted him to make some sort of deal. But we weren’t willing to let that happen. In doing so, he would effectively be lying to the public and we weren’t prepared to sit back and watch that happen, not for all the money in the world and certainly not for $27,000.
So Mr. Musk, if you’re reading this, we’re sorry. We can not be bought and we are not for sale. Try The Hayride down the street, they’re more likely to sell-out for nothing more than $50 and a Cameo from Eddie Rispone.
And New Iberia sucks.
Respectfully,
─The Daily Crawfish
