RIVER RANCH, LA – Such a sad state of affairs. New crime reports released today indicate that black market Perrier water dealers are at an all time high in River Ranch, and are causing havoc in the upper class Lafayette neighborhood.
Operating primarily in the cover of darkness in the shady corners of Camelia Boulevard businesses, dealers can regularly be seen making exchanges of the high end sparkling water – however this product is anything but high class.
The labels? Cheaply printed fakes. The water? Great Value sparkling water, re-poured into generic green glass bottles. The cost? Less than $1.
And residents are rightly horrified.
“This shouldn’t be happening around here”, said River Ranch resident Marie Richards, “I should be able to drink my sparkling Perrier water knowing that it was sourced from the Swiss alps and carbonated using a gold-plated Sodastream. The fact that there is black market Perrier water circulating around River Ranch makes me sick, and it scares me knowing that my children could get their hands on this.”
“We have neighborhood security in golf carts for this very reason and they need to be ensuring that this issue is nipped in the bud. It’s terrible, just terrible.”
However, River Ranch neighborhood security argue that they are doing a fine job of curbing the circulation of black market items.
“The amount of counterfeit goods that we’ve reduced in the vicinity within the past year is unprecedented”, explained River Ranch security guard Michael Peterson, “We’ve seen shady characters dealing in items such as counterfeit La Croix, caviar, Waygu beef and bejewled dog collars tailored to chihuahua’s. We’ve eliminated all of these, and we work hard to continue to ensure that River Ranch residents consume and purchase only authentic, high quality products.”
“We continue our hard work, and if there is black market Perrier water in the area then we’ll drive around in our golf carts until we find these dealers and stamp it out. We urge residents to remain vigilant, but calm.”