CAPE CANAVERAL, FL – In what NASA is calling “a huge step forward in weather detection and surveillance”, locally-renowned meteorologist Rob Perillo was blasted into a low orbit this evening aboard the GOES-R satellite.
The satellite, that launched from Cape Canaveral at 6:42EST after an hours delay due to technical difficulties, is one of the most advanced systems ever created by NASA. It contains no electronics, no switches, no flashing lights – in fact, no equipment at all. Just Rob Perillo with a notebook, a pen, and a long-range walkie-talkie.
Project Engineer and one of the mission leads Tim Leothab explains how the program will be revolutionary.
“We’ve never even attempted anything this advanced before”, he said, “As soon as this new system is fully operational, every other one we’ve ever used will become obsolete. We tested Rob extensively and, at his peak, he can process 16 billion weather-related calculations a second. That’s 100 times more than any system out there right now. It’s like that Zach Galifianakis blackjack math scene from The Hangover, just on a way larger scale.”
“We’ll be able to accurately – and I mean accurately – predict weather. We’ll know where hurricanes are headed, where snow will fall, and he’ll also be providing statistical information on when the optimal time for eating gumbo is.”
Leothab also moved to reassure people that Rob will be perfectly safe – even if we may never see him again.
“Rob will be conducting his analysis from his relatively-comfortable, 4-foot by 4-foot container that’ll be hurtling through space at around 25,000mph. Nothing he hasn’t had to deal with from other drivers on Lafayette roads, I’m sure. He’ll have his pen and paper, and will be able to talk to us at all times.”
“Space boudin isn’t great, but he has enough of it on board to last three months. We’ll be making regular, quarterly docking operations with him to restock his supply. He’s in good hands, and he has a great view.”
Operations are believed to hit maximum functionality next month.
Stay tuned for regular updates on Rob’s progress.