BATON ROUGE, LA – In a midnight ceremony, LSU head coach Ed Orgeron donned the secret robes and entered into a candlelight ring of football boosters. As torches were lit with hundred dollar bills and trust fund notes, Coach Orgeron approached the sacrificial altar where the rare virgins of Houma held aloft their pet nutria rats.
Father Jerome Broussard, of Our Lady of Perpetual Suffering Church in Gonzales, blessed those in attendance with the ashes of Mike VI.
“In nomine Patris, et Filii, et Spirit deux Mikey. Let us pray.” Father Broussard invoked Jesus to please get Auburn’s luggage lost at the airport so that LSU could escape yet another embarrassing defeat.
After sacrificing 20 nutria rats and saving the tails for the state bounty in order to prop up the school’s budget, Coach Orgeron faced towards the Gulf of Mexico and implored the sea gods to send a hurricane straight head straight for Baton Rouge.
We were hoping to have yet another lackluster season full of excuses of why we lost to ranked teams. Instead, we lost to Mississippi State AND Troy.
Florida was a miracle, but there is no way we can beat Auburn. Right now, we’re willing to try anything. Even if it comes with the complete destruction of our state. Besides, you could hit Gueydan with a Cat 5 hurricane, and nobody would really notice.”
Game time is set for 230 on Saturday at Death Valley.