PYONGYANG – A small glimmer of good news in between the heaps of awful news is coming out of the North Korean capital today, as Supreme Leader Kim Yong Un has confirmed that, although he wishes to annihilate and take the United States of America as his own, he has no intentions of — well, let’s keep it simple: he doesn’t want Kaplan.

In a statement released by state-run KCNA, Supreme Leader talks about how they will not be giving in until the United States is crushed.

“America must listen hard and listen good. You will fear us and you will tremble when I say this; We will not stop until our eternal enemy lays in ruins as hell-fire rains down upon their land.” We will not cease until America’s lands are obliterated, and we will not give in until the great country of North Korea is in possession of everything you own.”

“Apart from Kaplan, y’all can keep that. Nothing personal. It’s just, y’know, Kaplan. I’m sure it has some redeeming qualities somewhere, but no, just keep it.”

The news will be a welcome relief to the Vermilion Parish community, and an expert translator has already been sent to the town to try and communicate the good news to them via primitive hand-actions and smoke signals.


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