BATON ROUGE, LA – Governor John Bel Edwards confirmed today that he is reverting Louisiana back to a “phase 27 and a half”, after COVID cases remain simply unsustainable and something he no longer considers his problem.
With COVID cases still high throughout the state due to a distinct lack of people really caring about protecting themselves from a deadly pandemic, Edwards has decided to cut his losses and revert the state back to a phase that implements a number of sweeping changes.
The main guidelines of phase 27.5 are as follows:
- The state of Louisiana will be returned to the kingdom of France. No refund will be necessary.
- All current and future COVID-19 cases will now be France’s problem and theirs to deal with as they see fit.
- All willing residents will be moved to the Northern areas of Alaska, where the virus will be too cold to survive.
- All gumbo and boudin prepared South of I-10 will be shipped to Alaska with said residents. North of I-10 gumbo/boudin and all jambalaya can stay in Louisiana.
- The New Orleans Saints will make the move, and will now compete in competitive ice fishing.
The new guidelines are expected to be implemented from next Monday onwards, to allow residents time to prepare and buy warmer clothing as well as give the Saints time to figure out the rules of ice fishing.