GULF OF MEXICO – Uh oh, this is sure to be detrimental to the safety of thousands of people!
With deep budget cuts affecting the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration and other meteorological organizations, Louisiana’s hurricane early-warning system has been downgraded from the latest cutting edge technology to local meteorologist Daniel Phillips in a rowing boat armed with a cell phone.
Currently situated approximately 100 miles offshore, Phillips has been making regular calls back to news stations in the area updating them on what the weather is currently like at his location.
“YEP, IT’S DEFINITELY ON ITS WAY”, he was reported to have shouted down the phone this morning, “THERE’S DEFINITELY SOME SORT OF DISTURBANCE ON THE HORIZON. IT LOOKS BIG, I’M CERTAIN THAT IT’S HURRICANE LAURA. IT’S RAINING HARD NOW. I DON’T THINK YOU PACKED ME ENOUGH TOWELS, I’M SOAKING WET.”
While only carrying a small bag of snacks and other essentials on board, he has been receiving regular fully-replenished care packages that have been dropped from helicopters that have been passing by.
“GUYS LISTEN, IF YOU CAN HERE ME I’M ALMOST OUT OF CLIF BARS. I’M RUNNING LOW ON CHOCOLATE MILK AND IF YOU COULD SEND ME SOME POPPING CANDY TO KEEP MY ENERGY LEVELS UP THEN THAT WOULD BE GREAT.”
“TELL ROB THAT HE CAN COME AND DO THIS NEXT TIME. HE’D LOVE IT, I PROMISE. WIND IS PICKING UP, PROBABLY AT ABOUT 60MPH RIGHT NOW. HELLO? HELLO? YOU’RE BREAKING UP.”
With Hurricane Laura expected to make landfall later today, Daniel is likely to be a crucial source of information. Please keep alert and updated.