ABBEVILLE, LA – After a tumultuous 72-hours, Vermilion Parish is finally back to normal this afternoon as order was restored to the parish through the simple process of gifting each and every household a 73oz jar of Zatarain’s Crab Boil.

After coming under heavy fire for the whole teacher-getting-cuffed-and-slammed-against-a-wall-for-asking-a-question-thing, not only locally but nationwide, parish officials spent most of last night brainstorming ways in which the situation could be quelled quickly and effectively.

Numerous ideas were thought up during the meeting of minds, however the one they proceeded with was believed to be the most effective.

“With crawfish season just around the corner, we believe that this gift is going to make everyone forget about the shit show that we brought on”, a spokesperson said, “We considered throwing money at the problem but, well, that would mean us having to spend our own money, and we can’t do that when we all need 2018 trucks.”

“We also got a bulk discount at Sam’s Club for all of this crab boil so really we didn’t end up paying much at all. Not to mention that it’ll be their taxes paying for it, so it really is a win win win win win for everyone.”

Early reports indicate that the strategy is working well, with most residents preferring to talk about their excitement over receiving a jar of crab boil as opposed to the injustices of Monday night.


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