ABBEVILLE, LA – The Vermilion Parish School Board offices were placed on an immediate lock-down this morning, with officials citing that they need to concentrate on getting this escape tunnel dug as quickly as possible to avoid any further media interaction.

The school board – who have had their feet put to the fire over the last 24-hours, after having someone with the audacity to question them thrown in the slammer and forced to break up rocks in the work yard – explained that the hole won’t dig itself, and that they need to dedicate their full attention to the job at hand.

One of the school board members agreed to speak with us over the phone, after they got fed up with us buzzing the intercom system at the front door for 45 minutes straight.

“Yes we can confirm that this building is on an official lock-down”, they said, “Only official board members are in here at this time. We feel that it’s in the best interests of the parish that we keep this office shut today so that we can finish digging this escape tunnel.”

“We really do have better things to be doing than having to try and justify ourselves to you peasants, so we’ll be going somewhere where we can hopefully leave all of this negative press behind.”

“We’re not sure where it’s going to lead, we’re just going to dig and hope for the best. We’re aiming to emerge somewhere near New Orleans, although it would be nice if it led to somewhere where nobody knows us. China, for instance.”

“Look, we’ll have to leave it there. It’s Fontana’s turn to dig and he’s already out of breath after three minutes, so we’re going to see if we can get maybe an intern slipped through the back door to take his place. We’re very busy. And you never saw or heard anything, got it?”

It’s still unclear as to when the offices will reopen.


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