BATON ROUGE, LA – In light of a recent study finding Louisiana has the 2nd highest STD rate in the country, Governor John Bel Edwards isn’t taking this bad news lying down. As soon as the news broke, he threw together a plan to fix the problem, and it will certainly send shockwaves throughout the state.
If passed by the state legislature, most of the areas north of I-190, minus the casinos, would be sold off to Arkansas in order to save Louisiana from more healthcare costs and further national shame. This deal will also move Arkansas’ meth capital from Harrisburg to Turkey Creek, which will come as a great relief to the residents of that otherwise unknown town.
This is not the first time Edwards has tried to sell the Northern part of the state. Last year, he considered listing it on Craigslist after becoming frustrated at the state’s financial problems.
The plan would reduce the Louisiana’s STD rate by approximately 40%, with the biggest reduction coming from moving Opelousas and outlying pandemic points like Eunice or Church Point into the expanded territory now held by Arkansas.
“The most expensive part of this negotiation was getting Arkansas to take both Jeff Landry and Clay Higgins, but we believe that the cost is well worth it in regards to reducing our national embarrassment factor by at least 25%” explained Governor Edwards.
“We may lose some valuable crawfish ponds and sub-par boudin stores, but that’s a price we’re willing to pay in order to be rid of Monroe and Shreveport.”
The new state lines are expected to be drawn before the 2019 election, leaving Senator Kennedy to decide which governor’s mansion he wants to run for.