SHREVEPORT, LA – Our country is going down the drain. FBI officials today uncovered what they are calling “the most horrific case of black market ice cream trading in decades”, as both the bride’s and the groom’s cake flavors were found to have been sold over the dark web.
The two flavors – which have been notoriously hard to get a hold of due to its limited production – has regularly caused middle-aged housewives across Louisiana to excitedly post Facebook statuses to share with other middle-aged housewives when a batch becomes available. These statues usually pertain to the flavor, the location, and a warning to purchase quickly before they run out.
The operation has been primarily been running out of Shreveport, however the seedy trading network reportedly stretched as far as Opelousas, New Orleans, and even the upper-class echelons of River Ranch.
Lead Case Investigator Christopher Sanger explained that this was a hard case to work on.
“Seeing that much Blue Bell bride’s and groom’s cake being exchanged outside of a grocery store environment – essentially on the black market – was extremely harrowing.”, he said, “You might think that this isn’t fair on all of the middle-aged women who just want to binge eat it in front of Netflix in one night, but you’d be surprised to know that these exact types of people were actively involved in this.”
“We did a number of stakeouts, and witnessed first-hand a 36-year old lady from Opelousas purchase three tubs of Groom’s Cake from a gentleman in a CVS parking lot at 4am. It’s just sad. No wonder so many people have been having difficulties finding it in their local grocery store.”
“Many of these buyers are addicted. It’s now up to us to punish those who have been pedaling it, and help those who need weening off of it.”
Authorities estimate that around $46 million worth of the product has been confiscated, stored in freezers, and is heading back to the shelves of regular stores soon.