Posted on behalf of The Red Shtick


After taking a ton of heat on social media for not initially opening his 16,000-plus-seat Lakewood Church to house victims of the historic flooding produced by Hurricane Harvey, Houston millionaire televangelist Joel Osteen has agreed to host area residents displaced by the inundation with various levels of accommodations depending on their generosity.

In an announcement from his $10.5 million mansion, Osteen relented to public pressure, offering a three-level premium sheltering plan for those wishing to use his megachurch as a refuge.

Those donating $20,000 to his church would receive “Priority Platinum” accommodations in the VIP clubhouse boxes at the top of the church, away from floodwaters. Platinum-level flood victims also would receive an autographed copy of Osteen’s latest book and Wi-Fi access.

With a contribution of $10,000, “gold level” evacuees get a seat in the lower portion of the former sports arena. They also will receive a basic Lakewood Church 90-day membership and a free digital download of Osteen’s e-book on Amazon.

“Jesus said the poor would always be with us. He was right. I can’t get the smell of the poor out of these Persian rugs.”

“Silver level” sheltering is available for $5,000. Flood victims in this lowest tier can lie down in a restroom of the church, or in whatever space they can find. The silver package also comes with one free meal of Ramen noodles or a bologna sandwich from the church cafeteria each day.

Remaining victims who cannot afford to pay for one of the three premium shelter plans earn basic accommodations (a broom closet with 20 other people) by cleaning the facilities and selling copies of Your Best Life Now to fellow evacuees.

Pressed for further comments by The Red Shtick, Osteen replied, “Jesus said the poor would always be with us. He was right. I can’t get the smell of the poor out of these Persian rugs. Servpro is going to be busy at Lakewood Church for weeks to come.”


  1. This makes me very sad.. because I listen to his message so many Sundays…Joel..remember that God put you in a place and time to take care and send the message of God. You may have disappointed God..Shame .
    …Shame He gave all! Please tell me you have not done such a bad thing!
    Debbie Robertson

  2. Is this real? This is completely absurd. I was already done with this Osteen “Pastor” for his behavior before he “opened” his church. Now I think there is no end to his grift. He does not have a generous bone in his body. He is always angling for how to enrich himself. This is not the time.

  3. Of course it is not true..satire, folks. Read what the writer says about his own posts/writings:
    Manny is a transplant from Virginia who loves crawfish, fishing, beer and satire. When he isn’t busy making fun of libertarians or writing, he’s busy raising three kids and mocking idiots in the KATC comments section.

  4. What so ever you do for the least of your brothers…. whoops! Joel, i don’t think you have done any good to our Lord Jesus… born in a manger… ‘member him? I used to like you, but relax, now i pray for you. I wonder how much it is to get through the pearly gates? I worry for you, you kind of look likenthat camel trying to get through the eye of a needle. Relax! I’mstill praying for you!

  5. First you’ve got to look at who is writing this do you know Joel? Do you know the bible are you aware of its verses and how they can sound one way but if you know about them they have a completely different meaning do you believe or even know GOD!? All i can say is if Joel Osteen goes to hell your not going to be far behind!!!

  6. I think this is satire though some news sources have gotten reports that they are checking church membership and tithing records before admitting anyone

  7. What cant handle the truth i would like to know what u think about my response to what your disgusting words you were spreading everywhere

  8. Oh look more religious leaders trying to take advantage of people in a time of need. Why doesn’t anyone give him an beating, your deity does nothing because it either doesn’t care or it isn’t real. Yet people persist on the consolation prize of “they will burn in hell for all eternity”. That will never teach anybody anything.


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