HOUSTON, TX – With the majority of the solar eclipse now in the past, NASA experts have just finished holding a press conference confirming that, despite darkness covering the majority of the U.S. mainland, it still generated only 25% the amount of shade that brunching River Ranch housewives do on a regular basis.
Although a cooling breeze and a slight dim did fall over Acadiana for a brief spell, it was apparently nothing compared to the freezing cold shade and howling winds that are generated by the stay-at-home wives of Lafayette’s upscale neighborhood — usually meeting at La Creperie and discussing how awful it is that their housekeeper had to go on vacation for two days.
NASA Chief Engineer Thomas Koppel explained the phenomenon.
“Although the eclipse did cause a fair amount of shade, it’s still nothing compared to what we’ve seen on an almost daily basis from the depths of the 70508 zip code”, he said, “We regularly send our team to River Ranch to conduct experiments and the results between that and today are totally non-comparable.”
“The eclipse gave us a shade level of 58%, compared to the River Ranch shit-throwing get-together which read at a record 94%.”
NASA hopes to receive increased funding in the future to conduct further investigations on what causes these housewives to throw so much shade.