WASHINGTON D.C. – In a huge job boost for the local economy, the green light was given in the Capitol today for the construction of the Keystone Light pipeline that will see cheap, nasty beer provided to communities across Louisiana.
The project, that has been in the works for almost a year now, will focus on delivering the beverage to three main areas:
Bars and other drinking establishments
The pipeline will be a huge factor in eliminating a huge chunk of overhead for many bars and other establishments in the area. Removing the need for transportation fees and usage of kegs, the pipeline will be directly hooked up to taps across the state so that underage college students can get their drank on without worrying about having to pay more than $1.50 for a pint.
Each and every house on Fraternity Row will have an exclusive connection to the pipeline. Again, this eliminates overhead as well as the need for Jacob to put out his back by carrying a keg over his shoulder at 2am. Health benefits are always a plus.
Communal drinking wells in outlying towns and trailer parks
No longer will the residents of the smaller towns and trailer parks have to walk 5 miles a day barefoot to find cheap out-of-date beer at a country store. By hooking the pipeline up to communal wells, these people can simply lower a bucket down and bring up enough Keystone Light to provide enough semi-hydration for both them and their families for at least one or two nights.
Project Engineer of the pipeline Keith Randolph said that it’ll be a boost for the state.
“This is going to bring plenty of jobs to the state of Louisiana, as well as supply its citizens with a good solid, beer.” he said, “And when I say good, solid beer, that’s the opinion of Louisiana. To the rest of us it’s… pretty bad.”
“Many places in Louisiana is on-par with the third-world when it comes to having access to beer, which just isn’t acceptable. This will give them the access they need to get somewhat buzzed while mowing their lawns, listening to Classic Country Saturday, doing donuts on their ATV’s, or whatever activity they’re participating in.”
“It’ll also give frat houses and bars a direct link to beer without the need to change kegs. This has been a long time coming and we’re glad that it’s been given the green light.”