LAFAYETTE, LA – Evidently still reeling from the fact that he may never see one again for a whole year, local man Jon Holmes reportedly cried himself to sleep last night while clutching a photograph of one of the 16 crawfish boats that he ate at Festival International.

Holmes, who was believed to have been on first-name terms with the crawfish boat vendor after just two hours, reportedly spent more time eating at the festival than actually listening to the music that was on offer.

Witnesses say that he wasn’t looking great at certain points.

“I saw him staggering about with this glazed look on his face”, said one witness, “I thought he was drunk at first but then I realized that he was in a partial crawfish boat coma. I then saw him a couple of hours later face down in a crawfish boat, although his mouth was moving so I presume he was trying to eat his way out of it.”

And now, according to his roommate Kris Deville, Mr. Holmes is in the worst state of his life thus far.

“Jon got home from festival and immediately ran to his room”, said Mr. Deville, “He slammed the door and I never saw him for the rest of the evening. I poked my head in later that night and he was crying into his pillow, clutching what looked like a printed-off image of a crawfish boat. When Will I See You Again? by The Three Degrees was playing on repeat.”

“He’s taking it hard. It’s super sad to see. If this carries on then we’re going to have to get him some therapy. He can’t do this for another year. He didn’t even cry this much when his girlfriend of four years left him.”


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