WASHINGTON D.C. – It’s a terrible thing to see. Congressman Clay Higgins will shortly be entering his third month deep in the bowels of the political hornets nest that is Washington D.C., but it seems that he still has some fitting-in to do.

Poor Uncle Clay (who may we remind you is not, I repeat NOT – according to his followers – a politician of any kind) is currently still suffering the daily embarrassment of being met by the D.C. bullies at the front entrance every morning, where they proceed to demand that he hand over his lunch money “if he knows what’s good for him”.

Higgins, who brings $1 with him every day so that he can purchase a Lunchable and a Capri-Sun from the cafeteria on the first floor of his workplace, has so far lost $60 since starting his new job. However thanks to the generosity of an anonymous ISP lobbyist, he has since earned $300 that is believed to be safely stowed away in his office safe, for the sole purpose of lunch purchases here on out.

“He’s having a rough time”, said California Representative (D) Geoff LaGrande, “I see him every day and those big fellas just destroy him. Sometimes he tries to put up a fight, but that usually ends up with him being pinned against the wall. Most of the time he just hands that dollar over almost right away. He ends up shaking like a shitting dog. Dude needs to grow a spine, but then again he’s Republican so that might be harder said than done.”


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