LAFAYETTE, LA – There were scenes of chaos and carnage at Acadiana Mall today, as Black Friday shoppers rushed to get their hands on the new Clay Higgins Build-A-Bear.

The bear, which talks when its gun holster is firmly grabbed, is predicted to be a number one best-seller across Louisiana this holiday season. And with its popularity expected to be so high, many shoppers were looking to get theirs early. However turnout was unprecedented, and what turned into a hustle and bustle quickly evolved into fist-fights and verbal attacks.

The bear itself comes with both a police uniform and a Make Donald Drumpf Again shirt-hat-combo – easily switchable depending whether you’re in the mood to have Clay-Bear fighting crime, or hunting for an oilfield job.

Boxing gloves also come as an attachable option, in case you want to put him in the ring. Manufacturers have warned however that once the gloves are attached, battery life is reduced from 12 hours to 15 seconds. They also warned that the bear itself may over-time become semi-self aware and rebel against it’s owner, with a high chance that it will end up running for a political position.

One of the main features of the bear is his ability to speak, reciting a number of phrases which are automatically-updated over time thanks to a not-so-smart-chip implanted in its cerebral cortex. Some of the current available phrases are:

  • “Yee-haw t-boy!”
  • “There’s a refugee in my boot!”
  • “Someone’s poisoned the Skittle bowl!”
  • “LIBERAL MEDIA!”
  • “Listen to me, Care Bears. I’m talking to you now”
  • “Y’all donate to my campaign and put some of my signs up in y’alls front yard”
  • “Thugs! Y’all thugs!”

Lafayette native Julie DeVillier was one of the lucky few to get her hands on one of the bears, but explained that it was hard work.

“I got there at 4am and was one of the first in line”, she said, “I bought the bear by 8am and that’s when things started getting insane. There was blood, broken bones, bodies lying about. It was carnage. But I got my Clay Higgins bear and that’s all that matters. My 2-year old will be so pleased to finally have a good role model, and grow up loving America like Clay does.”

The Clay Higgins Build-A-Bear is expected to be back in stock next week.

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