NUEVO LEON, MEXICO – A mere 48-hours after audaciously scamming New Orleans Saints out of almost $50 million in a contractually-bound salary, authorities have confirmed that quarterback Drew Brees has fled the country and is already believed to be in Northern Mexico.

Brees – believed to be traveling under the pseudonym ‘Jesús Bresias’ – was last seen at the U.S.-Mexico border wearing sunglasses, a fake mustache, and a Make The Saints Great Again hat, whilst carrying a large rucksack which is now believed to contain a $5 million sign-on bonus.

“The New Orleans Saints can confirm that $44.2 million has been taken”, Saints Spokesperson Michael Klinsmann confirmed, “We believe the assailant to be a 37-year old, in-decline quarterback for the club who has somehow managed to fleece the organization out of this huge sum of money. I have been told by authorities that his most likely destination is South America, and they have also confirmed that they will also be on the lookout for any heavily fleur-de-lis-themed houses being constructed within the continent in the near future.”

Klinsmann expressed his disappointment, explaining that they had other plans for the money.

“I am under the impression that the money was going to actually be invested in upgrading the offense to NFL standard”, he said, “So it’s a big shame for us, and for our fans who once again have to expect nothing from this season. I’m just glad that the last few years have conditioned them well for that expectation. It’s a shame. At least Dick Turpin wore a mask.”

The search for Bresias continues.


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