DENHAM SPRINGS, LA – Claiming that he wants to be “one with the people of Louisiana”, Republican presidential nominee Donald Drumpf arrived in Baton Rouge this morning ready and willing to help and reassure those in need.
And he even proved himself to be one of the good guys, by yelling directives to his personal assistant via walkie-talkie to ensure that he was helping locals in their homes as fast as humanly possible, whilst Drumpf himself was receiving an Asian massage in the penthouse suite of the Hilton.
“I wanted to come here and help out any way I could”, he told reporters, “But these Drumpf Exclusive, 100% cashmere socks don’t do well around water. They shrink real easily, folks. Real easily. And these shoes only arrived yesterday, I haven’t even broken them in yet. So I thought y’know, I’ll send my personal assistant to help out. Real great guy. The best. So I’ve been instructing him using this hands-free walkie-talkie. That practically means that it’s me doing the work, right? Right? It ain’t easy, let me tell ‘ya.”
And he confirmed that he has him working as fast as he can.
“Folks, it ain’t easy getting someone to work faster and harder whilst getting a deep-tissue massage”, he said, “But I’ve been shouting at him to speed things up. Folks around here need my help, and I can’t do that if he doesn’t put some real effort in to make me feel better. He has way bigger hands than me, so there’s no excuse really.”
He also confirmed that monetary funds will be available to help the rebuilding.
“Lemme tell ‘ya folks, this is going to take a while to clean up”, he said, “And when I become president, we’re definitely going to make Louisiana great again. We’re gonna fix it all up, and y’know what? We’re going to make Arkansas pay for it. They’re going to pay for it. No doubt about it, folks.”