CLEVELAND, OH – After being spotted aimlessly wandering the streets of downtown Cleveland yesterday, Willie Robertson – star of mind-melting, back-woods TV show Duck Dynasty – was clearly struggling to adapt to 21st century life.
Robertson, who was in town after speaking at the Republican National Convention on Monday, was allegedly spending time outside of Louisiana state lines for the first time in his life – and locals said that it was painfully obvious to see that he was way out of his depth.
Local resident Charlie Rodgers explained how Robertson interacted with him yesterday.
“Well I didn’t know who he was at first”, Rogers explained, “I thought it was some whack who was on his way home from a fancy dress party. But then he approached me on the street, and started pointing to random things and asking what they were. “What’s this?” That’s a taxi. “And that?” That’s a lamppost. “Witchcraft!” No sir that’s just an airplane landing at Hopkins International Airport. Honestly, the guy was in awe at everything around him.”
And Rogers said that Robertson’s disconnect didn’t end there.
“I was watching him try to hail a taxi by pulling out a crossbow and firing arrows in it’s direction”, he said, “That was just after he had stopped firing them at a group of pigeons that were standing around a statue. We had to politely tell him that you couldn’t hunt around here. He mumbled something in a different language and ran away on all fours. He looked distressed. It was definitely an experience.”
Other moments of awkwardness on Robertson’s part included trying to purchase a coffee by offering squirrel fur as currency, as well as constructing a makeshift canopy inside of his all-expenses paid Hilton hotel room, completely made out of twigs and leaves that he had gathered up earlier.