SLIDELL, LA – In what is potentially the biggest and most exciting news for Louisiana residents since electricity and running water were brought to the state in 1997, Blue Bell ice cream – famous in recent times for ensuring that everyone got their daily recommended intake of listeria – announced yesterday that they would be releasing a brand new flavor on Friday.
Up until now the secret flavor has been pretty well hidden, however our insider sleuth has managed to get exclusive information, and can confirm that it will be called ‘Sammy Kershaw’s Small-Town Flavor’.
Our mole, who will remain nameless, explained that Blue Bell were excited about this new release.
“The company as a whole are really optimistic about this release”, he said, “They’ve really paid tribute to Sammy Kershaw with this one by trying to fit all of the smells and the tastes of his hometown of Kaplan into a well-packaged tub. Rumor is that they’ve even managed to get the man himself to perform at a release party, where he’ll be performing ‘Queen of My Double Wide Trailer’ in an oversized bowl of ice cream. Y’know, ‘Honey I Shrunk The Kids’ style.”
And our mole also confirmed that this is their most experimental flavor yet.
“I did manage to get a small sample”, he said, “And yes, it’s pretty intense. So many flavors, so many layers. So many happy memories of getting whipped with a leather belt for staying out beyond 6pm. As soon as it hits your taste buds you can just taste the subtle hints of manure, light notes of kerosene, soft layers of rotting roadkill, the leathery undertone of cattle, and the earthy aromas of subtle racism. It really is a flashback, and a trip down memory lane to when times were easy, life was slow, and the gub’ment wasn’t bending you over like a cheap hooker.”
The official release is on Friday.