LAFAYETTE, LA – Seeming kind of irked and a little pissed off, local man Jesus Gonzalez confirmed that he’s getting real tired of telling people that his irregular work schedule and lack of accumulated vacation days won’t allow him to save the country.
With a lot of unsavory goings-on taking place throughout both the state and country as a whole in the past few days, a lot of Louisiana residents are taking to social media begging Jesus to help the racially, socially, and politically torn country find it’s feet.
But Jesus, who is but a simple attendant at a local Cracker Barrel gas station and convenience store, says that it’s just not viable for him right now.
“I appreciate their belief in me to bring peace to the biggest, global superpower in the world”, he said, “But I really don’t have the time. It’s impractical for me right now. I work nights, I work days, I work double-shifts, and it changes from week-to-week. And on top of that, I only have like, three days vacation time saved right now. I used a lot of it in January when I visited my grandmother back in Guadalajara. I just can’t do it.”
“I mean, I have Sunday off, and next Tuesday. So maybe after I’ve got my groceries and paid my bills, I could make a tentative start. I could hit up my apartment complex, knock on a few doors… truth be told, I don’t really know what they want from me. What am I supposed to do? What am I supposed to say? Shall I hand out some rock candy and just tell them that everything’s great? I don’t know man, it’s kind of overwhelming. I just want to sell lottery tickets and sleep.”