LAFAYETTE, LA – With both the democratic and the republican nominee’s pretty much sewn up for this year’s general election, most folks are glad to see the back of the travelling circus known as primary season.
Nobody more so than a local Bernie Sanders bumper-sticker that has spent it’s entire lifetime thus far cruising the streets of conservative, deep-South Louisiana.
“I really didn’t expect to be sat here talking to you today”, he confessed, “When I was being prepped for shipping up in Vermont, and I saw that I was on my way to Louisiana, I just thought, y’know, this is it. This is how it ends. Being scratched to death by a set of keys in the hands of some right-wing knucklehead who doesn’t know his wife from his sister. Lying in tatters on the side of a back-woods road, fading away in the baking mid-day sun on a day as humid as the devil’s ass-crack. But I’m a survivor. I’m still here.”
He also explained that not everything was rosy, and that he’s had a few near-misses.
“I can proudly say that I survived at least thirty trips to Abbeville, New Iberia, and other similar places”, he said, “But I’d be lying if I said that I wasn’t nervous each and every time. If looks could kill… man, I’d have died a hundred times over. “Commie scum”, “Socialist”, you know, the usual garbage. I’ve heard it all. It was a nerve-wracking six months.”
And he said that even though it looks as if Hillary will be clinching nomination, he hopes to stick around.
“I’d like to think that I’m not going anywhere”, he said, “I’m settled. Maybe I can find another real nice Bernie bumper-sticker and who knows, in the future we might be raising a little 2020 election bumper-sticker of our own. Gotta have dreams, man.”