ARLINGTON, TX – Thanks to a pattern that experts call “completely baffling”, the American branch of Mensa – based in Arlington, TX – has began studying the bizarre phenomenon known as the ‘Cooyon Phenomenon’, in which a huge number of people who comment on local news outlets Facebook pages go on to become future Darwin Award winners.

The Darwin Awards is an annual ceremony that recognizes people who have been killed through utterly stupid circumstances – and in a smaller, unofficial study conducted during 2015, almost 90% of local news outlet Facebook commenters were given the posthumous award.

And now, Mensa is stepping into work out why this is.

“It’s a very strange correlation”, said Lead Investigator Charles Krankton, “It’s going to take a lot of time, energy, man-power, and interviews. I think the hardest part will be bringing ourselves down to a fifth-grade intelligence level in order to get into these folks minds. But we’ll do it. It’s a very interesting phenomenon.”

And Krankton explains that through his research, lives could be saved.

“It’s never nice to see people die through accidents”, he said, “Especially not in ways that happen around here. Just last week a local man had spent three hours online calling people a “dumass” and telling them “your an idiot” – and two hours later he had been killed by driving his lawnmower down a hole he had dug 30 minutes prior. This is what we’re dealing with. If we can save just one life, it’ll have been worth it.”


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