RAYNE, LA – Celebrations are in full-swing this evening, as controversial little scamp Bradley Watkins was officially declared as the Republican nominee for the Charles DeGravelles Elementary School fifth-grade presidency position for the 2016/2017 school year.

Despite the fact that Summer vacations are already underway, the school remained open as each class has had a chance to head to the ballots and cast their votes on their respective voting date.

Watkins, whose 6-month campaign has been littered with contentious topics and statements, managed to hit the magic delegate number of 285 after emerging victorious in the math class primaries today, beating out opponents Mary Villanova and Bobby Roberts. Both candidates suspended their campaigns immediately thereafter.

Often criticized for his aggressive tone and demeaning stance, Bradley Watkins’ campaign has, according to many, been fueled by hate and lies. His more debatable moments from his campaign include:

  • The suggestion of building a “super cool and super huge wall” to keep out “all those stupid troublemakers from that school next door” (Hillside Elementary)
  • Actively walking up to a group of anti-Watkins protesters and attacking them with a Nerf gun
  • Starting a food-fight in the school cafeteria during a three-candidate debate
  • Demanding lunch money from younger children to help fund his campaign

Watkins thanked his supporters and assured them that he’s only just getting started.

“I’m like, really happy right now”, he said, “But this is just like, the beginning, I guess. We still have to see who the democratic nominee is going to be but, yeah, it’s great. We’re going make fifth-grade great again. Yeah.”

The democratic nomination is still up for grabs.


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