EUNICE, LA – In a move that is sure to bring relief to millions, the American Red Cross today confirmed that their shipments of no-longer-needed Cruz/Fiorina ’16 t-shirts would begin reaching impoverished, third-world areas of the globe as quickly as tomorrow — with Ethiopia, Rwanda and Eunice, LA all top-priority destinations.

It is believed that the Cruz campaign has upwards of 1.5 million of it’s promotional t-shirts, and with Ted dropping out so that he may resume his Zodiac killings, the ARC is ensuring that they don’t go to waste.

ARC Community Organizer for Louisiana, Jill Oden, explains how this will help those in need.

“Clothing people is an important goal of ours”, she said, “Especially people who lack the basic necessities. We’re delighted to see that those in Eunice will be receiving help. Did you know that the average Eunice resident has to walk eight miles a day, just to get a bucket of water from the nearest well? That’s hard to do, especially when most of them also use flattened-out plastic bottles as sandals. These t-shirts will both keep them warm on cold nights, as well as protect them from the sun on hot days.”

But many residents aren’t keen on the idea, believing that wearing a Ted Cruz/Carly Fiorina shirt will only lead to bullying and ridicule.

“I’d rather just go shirtless”, said local resident Dustin Brown, “Hell, y’all send me Atlanta Falcons shirts, My Little Pony shirts — send me a damn miniskirt and I’ll wear it – but a Cruz/Fiorina t-shirt? Naw, you can keep it. That’s too embarrassing to strut around in.”


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