LAFAYETTE, LA – Under the impression that yesterday’s freight train that derailed in Scott contained something as petty as phosphoric acid, local residents today reacted to the horrific news that the contents were even worse than previously thought.
It has been revealed this morning that the tankers actually contained some of the states finest hot sauces – all of which were destined for this weekends Louisiana Hot Sauce Expo at the Blackham Coliseum. The news was worsened by the revelation that one of the hottest sauces, Volcano Fuel, actually leaked from the tanker and corroded a 30ft crater into the ground.
Dustin Klein, who was part of yesterday’s clean-up crew, said false information was given so as not to anger residents.
“Yeah we told them it was phosphoric acid so that we didn’t have riots on our hands”, he said, “People around here love their hot sauce more than their kids. Can you imagine what would happen if we admitted that 15,000 gallons of local hot sauce had just spilled onto the ground, rendering it completely inedible? I wouldn’t want to be in town when that news hit, sweet Jesus.”
He also confirmed that the leak had caused a significant crater.
“The sauce itself was at 16 million on the Scoville Scale – as in, at the very top – so this did in fact cause the ground to corrode and now we’re left with a hole as deep as the state’s finances”, he said, “Not even phosphoric acid is this dangerous. In fact you could put phosphoric acid on your chicken wings and you’d still spend less time in the bathroom. This sauce is crazy.”
But as the truth comes out, residents now begin the process of mourning – and crowds gathered earlier today to lay floral tributes and crosses at the side of the crater. Many were also spotted throwing offerings of items such as boudin links, boudin balls, chicken wings, meat pies and tacos actually into the crater itself.
Many mourners, clearly in shock, were spotted wandering around aimlessly, teary-eyed and shouting “thoughts and prayers!” repeatedly.
But local woman Susan Lee was a little more in-depth, and explained why she was there.
“I’m here to say my farewells and pay my respects to all of this hot sauce that we’ve lost”, she explained, “We barely knew it. We were supposed to meet this weekend at the expo but now, its gone. It feels like we lost a part of the family. Thoughts and prayers.”