LAFAYETTE, LA – Nine out of ten Louisiana residents are more likely to forgive someone for first-degree murder of an immediate family member than they are for someone stealing crawfish, according to a new report from the Louisiana Criminal Investigation Group.
The report is being released to coincide with yesterdays news of a man who had the balls to walk out of the Best Stop Supermarket in Scott with $300 of crawfish without paying – obviously holding no remorse towards the people of the state and their addiction towards the freshwater crustaceans.
Jennifer Wrigley, who was one of the lead researchers in the investigation, gave her opinions on the results.
“We found that around 92% of people in our survey would be willing to forgive a criminal who brutally murders an immediate family member with an axe or something similar”, she explained, “But none of them would be willing to forgive someone who steals crawfish. No matter how much, no matter what for. It’s unforgivable to these people.”
She also explained what types of punishment that they’d like to see for crawfish thieves.
“Oh, death. in every instance.”, she said, “Most of them want to see these people go straight to the electric chair or the noose. Some went into a little more detail with really messed up things like leaving them to rot in a crawfish cage, or locking them in a room with one gun and one bullet, and making them watch The Bold and the Beautiful on repeat until they decide to take their own life. Ruthless stuff.”
And local resident Teresa-Ann Bodin pretty much confirmed the investigation to be true, after we informed her of the results.
“Oh Lord I would want to make sure that scum of the earth never takes in another breath of air!”, Bodin said, “You’re giving me heart palpitations just thinking of that heinous crime! That ain’t no human with a heart, that’s the Devil right there, that’s the embodiment of Lucifer rising from the fiery depths of hell to take away our crawfish! The Father of Lies, the lawless one, GREAT DECEIVER! I need some water. Lord I need some water. And some crawfish. Someone get me some crawfish, oh Lord.”