LAFAYETTE, LA – Newly-installed Lafayette City Marshal reserve deputy Clay Higgins spoke of his complete disappointment today, as nothing really played out how he expected during the first week of his new position.

Higgins, who we believed to be the mysterious masked vigilante that was spotted in Opelousas a few weeks back, pretty much confirmed that rumor to be true – and even went as far as wishing he was still in that job.

We caught up with Higgins as he was tucking into a medium-sized tub of Dippin’ Dots at the Acadiana Mall.

“If I had to be brutally honest, I’d say that my first few days sucked”, he admitted, “I thought I’d be back in front of the camera, or at least tracking down some gang members all armed and ready – but no, they had me on front desk duty. Answering calls, making sure people sign-in, sharpening pencils, opening up the vending machine for people when their M&M’s get stuck – that type of thing. I can’t believe that I gave up my cool as heck vigilante superhero gig for this crap.”

He said that he was even the butt of the office jokes.

“Oh yeah, and they got me with the old pranks”, he said, “I spent two hours looking for a left-handed saw for one of the maintenance men,, and another three trying to find a tin of tartan paint. I mean, I get it. I’m the new guy, so it’s whatever.”

But he’s hopeful that the only way is up from here on out.

“I’m looking to the future”, he said, “I ain’t never been one to back out from a challenge. Well, apart from my last job… but the point is that today I’m sending out promotional e-mails, tomorrow I could be fixing the printers – and next week, who knows. I could be back out on the streets ready to give an old fashioned all-American ass-whoopin to the criminals out there. I’m Clay Higgins, and I will bring salvation to those lost souls.”


Please enter your comment!
Please enter your name here