OPELOUSAS, LA – Like something straight from a bargain-bin comic book, there’s a new hero in Louisiana. A watchful protector, a silent knight looking over the good people of St. Landry Parish. A good man, who keeps the streets safe and the local John Deere retailer from having their lawnmowers stolen. But who is this man? This is the question that sits heavily on residents minds.
Many, however, have a strong inkling as to his identity.
It’s no coincidence that this hero emerges from the shadows a mere week after the famed Captain Higgins stepped down from his role at the St. Landry Parish Sheriff’s Office. Surrounded by controversy since his heavy-handed approach to hunting down the Gremlin Gang like wild dogs, it seems that the Captain has moved into the game of being his own boss.
Area local William Asher explained how he encountered the vigilante during a late night dog walk.
“Well I was walking Toto last night, and I saw a gang of ruffians spray-painting awful things onto a wall”, he said, “Things like ‘Dallas Cowboys rule’ and ‘Cowabunga!’ and things that young eyes just don’t need to see. But before you know it, a masked man swooped in and rounded them up like cattle. In the blink of an eye. I knew who it was – I’d seen that hat before.”
And local shopkeeper Ronald Johnson, owner of ‘Antiques Ahoy!’ — a classic, tacky, Louisiana antique store — said that he had experienced the mystery man too.
“I was locking up for the night, when I heard a crash come from the shop floor”, Johnson explained, “I armed myself with my LSU baseball bat, but when I got there, I found two men, tied up in rope and hanging upside down. There was a note that said ‘Ronald, listen to me, I’m talking to you son. These scally-wags were stealing from you, a hard-working American. Take them to the station, so that they may repent for their sins – in a small cell’. Well of course I did what I was told. I never saw the hero, but I think there’s a communal idea of who he is. We’re all confident.”
The investigation into his identity continues.