ARNAUDVILLE, LA – There was heavy concern in a local household today, as area man Jeff Stephens today admitted that, for the first time, he’s beginning to really struggle with thinking of new and clever insults that take cheap digs at politicians names.
The anxiety hit as he logged onto Facebook for his daily rants on the local news outlet pages, mainly due to having nothing better to do with his time.
“I saw an article crop up about John Bel Edwards and the whole tax thing”, he said, “And for the first time since I can remember I really had trouble thinking of something to call him. In the end I went with ‘Tax Bel Edwards’ but Jesus Christ, that’s terrible isn’t it? I’m not even sure that it makes sense. I can’t go back and delete it, that’s completely against my moral code – but it’s definitely caused a little bit of worry on my part.”
Stephens, a self-proclaimed pioneer of the name-insults, explained that he’s brought some of the most popular ones to the light, and is always happy to see other people use them.
“Obummer was one that I thought of for Obama”, he said, “As well as Obongo, Obozo, Olabama, and Oburninhell. I pioneered Shillary, Shrillary – not to be confused with each other – and Dillpicklery.”
And it didn’t stop there.
“Bernie I just stuck with ‘That old Jew’ because sometimes simplicity is key. I created Jindull, Swindle and Indian Giver – you can guess who they were for. You’ve got Ted Snooze, Ted Lose, and believe it or not I started the whole Zodiac Killer thing. He’s also Wobbleface. And finally there’s Rubio, who I’ve had the honor of dubbing Micro Rubio, Lost Boy Rufio, Farse-o Rubio, and Hasn’t Got A Clue-bio. So yeah, I’d pretty much call myself a professional, I guess.”
But Stephens isn’t going to let his concerns get to him.
“Maybe I need to just step away and take stock”, he said, “I’ll go away and refresh. Come back stronger and fully-loaded. I know I’m definitely scraping the barrel right now, but I believe in myself. I owe it to the people around here to supply them with only the best name-related insults.”