HOLLYWOOD, CA – Louisiana won big last night at the 2016 Oscars, as the Academy Award for Best Group Performance went to every single Louisiana politician over the last eight years for their roles in pretending to give a shit. There to receive the award, on behalf of everyone else, was Bobby Jindal, Jay Dardenne, Mitch Landrieu, and Buddy Caldwell.
The group were up against a number of strong candidates for the award, including:
- Members of the Texas Board of Education for their roles in not allowing university professors to fact-check students’ textbooks for potential errors
- Executives and corporate leaders of most oil companies in the South
- LSU Football Team for their 2015 season
Speaking at the after-party, Jay Dardenne, who served as the Lieutenant Governor under Bobby Jindal, said that this was one of the proudest moments of his life.
“I really can’t put into words what this award means to me and the guys”, he said, “There might only be four of us here receiving these, but this recognition is for everyone. From the top, right down to the bottom – every single Louisiana politician over the past eight or so years who has played their part in making the public believe that we actually gave a rats-ass about them. This is for you too, guys.”
Former Attorney General Buddy Caldwell, whilst holding up a half-cut Bobby Jindal, said that a lot of hard work had gone into the last few years.
“We all got together in around 2007, all sat down, and researched how to become politicians”, he said, “Looked real easy to be honest. Say what the public want to hear and blow all the cash on stupid stuff. So that’s exactly what we did. Hours and hours of preparation and hard work. Some days I, and probably Bobby here too, woke up and questioned whether we could keep on pretending to be Louisiana politicians. It was hard, real mentally-challenging stuff. But we did it, and now we’re reaping the recognition. We all had a lot of fun.”
And a champagne-fuelled Bobby had a few words too:
“WOOOO yyyeahhh, w-we, we did it boys! N-n-next st.. stop, Oval Offishhh, righ-right boys?! RIGHT?! Woooo!”