LAFAYETTE, LA – J.K. Rowling excited muggles all around the world last week with the announcement of a new Harry Potter novel – however little details about the theme of the book were found out until today.

Thanks to the wonders of good old-fashioned 19th Century style espionage, along with various wigs and outfits, our inside man managed to not only discover the vague theme of the novel, but also got his hands on a brief early excerpt.

Harry Potter and the Cursed Child sees Harry’s son, James Sirius, in his second year at UL studying Chemical Engineering. However, as the cuts to education hit, the plot follows James’ heroic battle to save his TOPS scholarship by taking on the ‘Dark Lords of the Capitol’ in order to protect his education, and see the monetary-based rewards scheme fully return to the state.

There are also, apparently, various side-plots such as seeing James drafted into the UL Quidditch team to take on the notorious and down-right mean LSU. The story line also follows James’ endless quest to find a parking spot on campus at 2pm, as well as an epic battle scene on the stairwell of Griffin Hall.

The following is an exclusive excerpt from the novel:

James aimed his wand directly at Kimberly Lewis Robinson, the Secretary of the Department of Revenue, his eyes squinted as if ready to pounce.
“That’s my scholarship!”, James shouted, “And I’m here to take it back! It’s the only form of socialism you’ll find in this state and I’ll be damned if you’re going to just take it off of me! I worked too hard and went through too many cases of Red Bull to earn my TOPS!”
“James, James, James… why are you so upset?”, Kimberly replied with a smirk on her face, “We gave you back 80%, isn’t that enough? Greed will be your undoing, young Potter, just like it was your fathers! How is he, by the way?”
“He’s doing awesome”, James replied, “Opened up a sandwich shop in New Orleans, in Algiers. Business is booming. And they make a really decent barbecue shrimp po-boy.”
“That’s great, I’ll have to take a ride sometime. Do you have the address?”
“Sure, it’s 193 West- HEY! Stop that!”, James napped out of it, “We’re here for one reason and one reason only! Prepare to bring that TOPS back, Robinson! You’re going down!”
The battle for Louisiana’s education had begun.

Harry Potter and the Cursed Child 
will be released later this year at all good bookstores. It’ll probably be available in Goodwill for a quarter of the price a few weeks after the release date.


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