LAFAYETTE, LA – A study conducted by the Louisiana Institute of Motor Safety today revealed that speed cameras within the River Ranch vicinity now outnumber residents at a ratio of almost two-to-one.

Lonnie Marshall, Field Investigator from the L.I.M.S., said that the results are a sign of the times.

“From our measurements, there are almost 5,000 speed cameras in River Ranch, and 2,500 residents. There is a speed camera approximately every three-feet.”, Marshall said, “We’re living in an era where upper-class neighborhoods don’t want to hear the sound of your car driving past, no matter how many layers of glazing they have on their windows. Unless it’s the sexy growl of a Bentley Continental GT, of course. Areas like this are absolutely plowing cash into installing speed cameras.”

And he says that he thinks that this could be the front-line in national traffic safety.

“There’s nowhere else in the U.S. that we’ve seen quite like this”, he said, “I’m not sure if this is a sneak peek into a Utopian or Dystopian future, it could swing either way. Honestly, if I had to compare it to anything, I’d say it was like driving through a scene from ‘I, Robot’. You half expect these things to sprout arms and legs, and throw your car 16-miles through the air for no good reason. It’s almost like you need Will Smith to ride with you in order to feel safe. But, this is a neighborhood that is clearly intent on ensuring vehicular safety, so y’know, good for them. I guess.”

6 COMMENTS

  1. What is actually needed and what is currently in place are two different things. Red light cameras would be more important in a town where red light offenses are offensive.

  2. 5K cameras? Come on. How can you expect to remain credible with exaggerations like this? No one despises these revenue generating debacles more than I do but giving false information doesn’t help the cause.

    • Really, this is the third time I see comments like this. People take this satire humor website too seriously. Humor is a good thing, and I’m not sure why so many people who live in these areas are so offend or take it seriously.

      • I read bits and pieces of the article and did not even realize it was satire. LOL. I was getting ready to post that they must only have 3 miles of road in the town if there is a camera every 3 feet. THEY CAUGHT ME! ROTFL!

  3. It’s satire, Rick, albeit not their best example. The notion that these cameras are placed in affluent areas because the residents wish to reduce noise levels is inaccurate, and almost as much so as the standard responses given by municipal officials regarding public safety. However, the argument concerning public safety and reducing accidents around particularly busy intersections along main thoroughfares can by corroberated by hard data, even if the primary intention is generating revenue.

    The cameras in River Ranch are for generating revenue and nothing else, and the strategy Lafayette is employing is the same as other cities across the country. You find the paths and intersections that people from suburban and affluent neighborhoods must or most likely will travel in order to go to and from work. Unlike being ticketed by an officer, it is much more difficult to get around one of these tickets, and by placing the cameras in these particular locations, they are most effectively able to ticket people with a greater ability to pay and a greater likelihood of paying in a timely manner. If a camera is placed in an area where this particular type of driver has few alternative routes, if any, then the likelihood of ticketing them increases as they must or will drive that route multiple times a day, and the question of slipping up and getting popped is not a matter of if, but when, and how often. It’s a much smoother way of raking in revenue, and they don’t get accused of nickel and diming the poor in the process.

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