MILTON, LA – A new local micro-brewery is set to release their first beer this week – and it has a flavor that the owner claims is a first.
Clint Newhouse, part-time sadist and full time beer-fanatic, set up Vermilion River Brewing in his basement – or as he calls it, ‘the hop dungeon’, three years ago. And after countless hours creating the perfect brew, he finally believes he has it. The secret?
“Brewed using the tears of UL students who just paid their tuition fees”, he claims. “My Tuition Fee I.P.A. has a wonderful salty-yet-sweet taste. Full of flavor, and goes down super easily and guilt-free. It’s a really great beer.”
Clint says that the unique brewing method was actually a second thought.
“We actually planned to brew our beers using water from the Verm River just out the back of our house”, he admitted, “But we were finding too many bodies and such. It was super time-consuming getting rid of them. So we moved onto the idea of harvesting student tears and found it was perfect.”
He says that the current method is perfect for the amount of beer he has to make.
“UL tears are one of the easiest substances on earth to collect. They’re in abundance. Show any student their student loan repayment plan and bam – you’ll be able to collect enough tears to make a few thousand bottles. We actually installed a sponge-like flooring in the university finance office that soaks up the tears and funnels into barrels, which we then collect weekly. It’s really amazing. We’re very lucky.”
Famed beer-rating website Beer Advocate has yet to list Clint’s beer, but he says that they did taste it, and they were blown away.
“We had a guy come over and taste-test it, and he couldn’t get over it”, he said, “He commented on how good it tastes, how good the body was, and most of all how amazing it is to sit there at a bar knowing that you’re sipping on the tears of those poor bastards who are in more debt than you can ever imagine. He made some great points. I can’t wait until release date.”
Tuition Fee I.P.A. is set to hit most Acadiana businesses next week.