With the race for presidency hotting up in it’s final year, you may be forgiven for thinking that you’re at least somewhat familiar with all the candidates. Well, you’d be wrong. Over the next few weeks we’ll be bringing you one-on-one interviews with with a number of local ‘official-yet-kind-of-unheard-of presidential candidates from Louisiana, who may not have the financial power of the Trumps or the Clintons, but have a heart the size of an Old Tyme po-boy.
“We’re moving the capital where it belongs, back down to the 504.”
Leader, scholar, entrepreneur. These are qualities that come to mind when speaking of the newest presidential candidate from Louisiana.
“Big” Dick Jeffrey.
Not familiar with him? “BD”, as he prefers to be known as, is the proud owner of ‘Big Dick ‘Jeffrey’s Used Car Lot and Accordion Emporium’, located right off of scenic Highway 90 near Boutte, LA. Our man Jack Jameson headed out there to the backwoods, to discuss with him his plans, his future, and just why nobody has heard of his presidential bid.
JJ: Mr. Jeffery, thank you for taking the time to speak with us.
BD: Just call me B.D. if that suits your taste better. Everybody calls me that; wife, kids, parents, employees… you just have to show ’em all who’s boss.
JJ: For sure. So, let’s begin with exposure. Can you pinpoint the exact reasons why, you think, nobody has really heard of you or your campaign?
BD: Well I figured it’s because I don’t have that social media type thing goin’ on, but I’ll be damned if I truly know. I even tried puttin’ a little ad in the QuikQuarter. But y’know, hopefully it’ll kick on from here!
JJ: I hear ya. So let’s get to the meat, with a topic on everyone’s minds at the moment; your take on foreign policy.
BD: Well, it all starts with ‘The Act Right Chair’.
JJ: That’s interesting, is that going to be a new position in your cabinet?
BD: No son, it’s literally a chair that I’m going to put people like Putin and Bin Ghazi in and teach them about why the American way is the best way. If they try to walk away from the chair they get hit with a cane reed until they learn and accept the lessons.
JJ: Uhm, are you referring to Benghazi the place? The last time I checked there isn’t a leader by the name of Bin Ghazi…
BD: Son let me tell you somethin’ right now, I didn’t become the leading seller of used cars and accordions by being a fool. And I have more ideals to promote. The first act upon becoming President will be openin’ a Whataburger in New Orleans so I don’t have to drive to Gonzalez anymore.
JJ: You… you do realize you would live in Washington D.C., right?
BD: Hell no! We’re movin’ the capital where it belongs, back down to the 504.
JJ: Okay. I’m just going to roll with this. Have you had any thoughts of who you would appoint to your cabinet?
BD: Yes sir. After some thought I have decided that Joe Pesci will be secretary of defense, Liam Neeson head of CIA, and DMX at press secretary. I’ve already spoken with that nice man DMX, and when I asked him if he could give me one hundred percent, he just kept screamin’ that “X was gonna give it to ya” so I’m thrilled by his enthusiasm.
JJ: That’s one way to put it…
BD: Also with New Orleans as the new capital, it’s time we change up the way we think of patriotic music. For starters, there will be a radio station in every major city that plays trap remixes of Adele, twenty-four hours a day, six days a week. The seventh day will be zydeco remixes of Adele.
JJ: You are aware that Adele is British?
BD: Not any more, son. Presidential decree! I’ll be makin’ her and Bono U.S. Citizens from day one.
JJ: I… uhm… how do you… how do you plan on handling the financial situation?
BD: Well first, I’ll be cuttin’ the military budget in half and spend the remains on a really big party, and research primarily focusin’ on creatin’ a salad that tastes like Popeyes. Think of the party as a really big Mardi Gras that goes down every Interstate of the United States at the same time.
JJ: I’d rather not.
BD: On top of that, the banks will acquire 700 billion dollars of the student loan debt to pay back for the 2008 bailout. That leaves a half a trillion remainin’, which we’ll easily pay off as we sell other countries our incredibly profitable Popeye’s salads for twice the price. If banks cite that they are incapable of payin’ it off in ten years, we will continue to pay it off provided that they give us a free cruise every year. Money, cruises, Popeye’s salads. Top that off with almost nonstop twerking and son, I bring you the promised land.
JJ: I’m speechless to say the least. Well, B.D. it’s been great talking to you and giving us a brief overview of what you’d have to offer as president. We wish you the best of luck in your campaign!
BD: Anytime my man. AND VOTE B.D.!