LAFAYETTE, LA – Residents of affluent yet characterless neighborhood River Ranch today threw their full support behind plans to construct a giant moat around the neighborhood, in an effort to “further beautify the area”.

Developers proposed the plans last week at a neighborhood meeting, claiming that land value would increase tenfold if peasantry was kept outside of the proposed boundary lines.

Head developer Henry Smallwood today spoke of his plans for the area.

“We proposed a number of ideas to the residents that all seemed to go over well” he said. “Firstly we’re looking at installing a large moat around the River Ranch boundary lines, which will of course be filled with larger-than-usual alligators. We would then construct a number of medieval-style drawbridges at certain points, each installed with biometric scanners allowing only River Ranch residents through into the ‘central zone’.”

He also mentioned that there may be plans to create a small ‘security firm’ to ensure protection for its citizens.

“We’re actually in talks with Shaquille O’Neil to see if we can grab some of his DNA. Hopefully we can use this to create a number of ‘Shaq-clones’, and give the River Ranch residents an extra blanket of security.”

Residents overwhelmingly voted in favor of the plans 468 to 12, and are very much behind the development.

“We think it’s a great idea” said Jennifer Settle, 5-year River Ranch resident and locally-respected oilfield wifey. “There can only be positives from this. Keeping the lower and middle-class ruffians out is obviously a great start – but from that comes a rise in house prices, makes the area more beautiful, and just generally allows the upper crust of Lafayette to mingle amongst ourselves and talk about rich people things like designer cupcakes, prenuptial agreements and equestrian activities.”

Another developers meeting is scheduled for January 22nd.


  1. Jennifer Settle If you keep lower and middle class out of River Ranch then who will clean your bathrooms and keep your lawns manicured what a snob you are God be with you I will pray you never know what it’s like to read something like your comment and shake your head from side to side thinking is she for real!!!


Please enter your comment!
Please enter your name here